My Infertility Story

This post has been a long time coming. It is not an easy thing to write about, no matter how open I am if asked questions.  It wears me down, and leaves me a mess.  I am not going to mention names in this post with the exception of my husband and myself.  Remember there are two sides to every story.

So a little over six years ago, I met my husband. We hung out for three years before we even decided to date.  We had our group of friends. Life was wonderful.  I had always wanted to be a wife and a mother and now my dream would finally come true. I was ecstatic.  The wedding was all that I could have hoped for. I had my friends and all my family was there.

We were lucky that I got pregnant right away on the honeymoon, since we are an older couple. I took a pregnancy test, I bought a speacilty one, that said I was about 2 weeks pregnant!  We knew that the Dr. would want to check on the baby around 7 or 8 weeks.  So I really didn't call the dr. until weeks 6. We excitedly went in to the Drs.  where they took a urine sample and did a wellness check on me.  They confirmed that I was pregnant!  Well I started spotting, which can be normal.  Though the more I seemed to do, the heavier I would bleed. I called to get checked out because I was concerned.  They did another urine test, and then we were told we WEREN'T pregnant.  Then a few days later, they called back to say we were.

This went on for several weeks.  One week we were pregnant, then the next week we weren't.  All I knew was that I was nauseated and always tired, and my boobs hurt. We switched Drs. This Dr. did a vaginal ultrasound.  He exclaimed that I had twins, though I had already lost the smaller twin, since there was only a sac,  then without taking a breath, he asked if we had been tested for STDS and that I had a 99.99% chance of miscarrying - though there were no heartbeats.  To get hit with such information in such a short time frame. My mind was racing, twins, STDS and miscarriage?

The next day, I went to work like normal, bleeding heavier then normal, but still hoping and praying for the best.  I was hit with such a cramp, I couldn't stand up.  I ended up going home early.  They offered to drive me home. I said no.  I really wish I would have taken them up.  I barely made it home.  I called to find a ride to the hospital, the pain was so severe, I could barely breathe. Luckily I had a friend that lived  a few minutes away.

James was at work. I texted him, he met me at the hospital.  He was very lucky, driving home from work, he worked about an hour away, and he sped all the way to the hospital.  He was not pulled over for speeding and he arrived safe and sound. Sitting in the wheelchair, I had blankets around me, I was passing out every few moments, and was shivering.  They finally got us into a a room that had a bed with the stirrups in it.  The nurses came to put in the IV and give me meds to help with the nausea and the pain.  The nurse dropped a gauze that had blood in it, and ended up rolling it around the whole room.

They finally got the pain under control, and checked me out.  I had miscarried the larger twin, they believe I lost the smaller one a few days earlier.  They gave me pain meds and sent me home. By the time we got home it was close to 3 or 4 in the morning.  I called in sick to work for a few days to recuperate.   I went into see the Dr. again, his response to me going in, was I could have just taken a pregnancy test to see if I needed a D&C without going into see him.  We switched Drs, soon after.

My friends that were so happy that we were pregnant, didn't know what to say to us about the miscarriage.  I don't blame them, it is a tricky situation and you don't want to cause more harm. But after this, they never really did talk to me again. We had lost almost all the friends we had.  Luckily I have a very supportive family and a wonderful husband to pull me through.


A few months later, I again was pregnant.  We hoped this one would be okay.  I miscarried again.  The next several miscarriages all happened at home.  They all happened around 8 weeks.  It was devastating, going into see if we could see the heartbeat, and then realizing that I would again lose this baby as well.

Honestly, we really only told a few people of the others.  It got hard, some of the things that I would hear.

"Its for the best" "They would have had severe problems"  "Its not the right time." The words hurt, though I know they were said with love and support.

The thing with miscarriages, it happens silently.  Most people don't talk about it. I understand why. Its hard, its very personal.  it hurts.  Boy does it hurt, and it seems to be a taboo subject.  One that shouldn't be talked about... I think it should be.

Our first anniversary was spent at home, while I miscarried again. I went numb.

So we stopped trying for a while.  I was debating if I should just get all my lady bits removed and be done with it.  James knows me well, and how I would kick myself later at the what ifs.  About 5 months ago, we decided to go into testing.

Now that we decided to do testing... EVERYTHING has to be done around the cycle.  No just calling in and going to see the Dr when you have time... its VERY frustrating.

The first test was blood tests.  The second test was to see the lining of the uterus and to see how many egg  sacks were there.  Luckily all the tests came back great.

So the next test was to see the shape of my uterus. They gave me a Valium then they inserted dye.  While taking xrays of the way my fallopian tubes and the outline of my uterus looks.  It looked like my uterus was in the shape of a V.  We had found the problem!
Now came the waiting to see what would happen. My Dr was on vacation.  The waiting was unbearable, not knowing if it could be fixed, not knowing what the next step was. At the time of this test, we still hadn't heard back about ANY of the tests, so I was a bundle of raw nerves and tears.

Finally the Dr came home from his vacation. I had already made an appointment, and found out that he wanted to do one more test.  A saline sonnogram, basically they fill my uterus up with saline and look at it fully inflated.

It turns out that my uterus is in the shape of a heart. It turns out that it can be fixed with a small surgery.  They will put me under and shock my uterus into releasing its shape to go to its normal state.  This is what they think has caused all the miscarriages they are going to the point of the heart and not getting enough blood.

To be honest I feel betrayed by my body.  My body who should do this naturally is not wanting to do it.  It hurts and it sucks.

With news of the surgery and with my bad knees. I have gotten comments like this:

"But you're old" Yes, I know how old I am - I know the risks.  We have talked about it with the Dr's too.

"If you can't get down on the ground, how can you take care of a baby?"  Yes it takes me a longer time to get down and get back up but I can do it, I just don't do it like you and my knee doesn't like certain positions to be in.

"You both move slower, and children are fast"   we know we are not the young whippersnappers we once were, we will make it work.

I know these comments are not meant to hurt.  But at this point, it is hurtful, we have already gone through so much already.

The surgery is set for May 11th. We have decided not to go with IVF, my problem is on carrying them not really on getting pregnant, though I don't ovulate as often as I should, there is a med for that. If I can get pregnant normally, and still can't carry it, then what is the point of IVF?  All IVF does is get you pregnant, it doesn't keep you pregnant.

Like I said, this is my story on infertility. Every story is different, and every story has more then one side.  This is just my version and feelings of things and doesn't really reflect how my wonderful and supportive husband James feels.  Though I know it has been hard on him as well.

Power of Choice and Power of 90

WOW!  So much has happened.  My life is so different then it has been.  I have been truly blessed.

In March I had the opportunity to go to Power of Choice.  This is a 3 day conference to help you think in a different way.  In the three days, I was more confident.  My friends could tell.  I was happier.  The next class is Power of 90.

Power of 90 is a 3 month class, you meet once a week for two hours.  It is said to be Power of Choice on steroids.  I so totally agree with that statement.   Power of 90 is about setting and achieving goals while using the Choice Process to help get rid of negative beliefs replace them with positive beliefs and overcoming pitfalls.

I was lucky to set three goals.  My main goal was to become more real and authentic.  To me this means someone who knows who they are, and someone who stands up for who and what they are.  They do fun and crazy things and they follow their passions.

My crazy outlandish goal for this was to bungee jump.  Well, situation arose where I was not able to go bungee jumping, with weight restrictions and needing 5 other people to jump.  The loss of money if I couldn't do it in the time period.

The people at Outlook who put on the Power of Choice and 90 have a saying.  WAW?  Or Whats Another Way?

I had the opportunity to go to CLAS Ropes Course in Provo.  I was able to climb a 30 ft. pole and jump off.  I was able to change that to my new goal instead of bungee jumping.

The third goal was to delete edit my whole manuscript I have been working on, then start to rewrite scenes.  Well I was able to accomplish this as well.  ALL within 90 days.  It was amazing.

I accomplished all three goals.  I know who I am.  I am a daughter of God.  I know what I am supposed to be doing.  I LOVE myself.  This is huge.  I am a totally different person.  I am closer to having my 4th draft done, then I am sending it to a friend to be read/critiqued/edited!

I am so happy and blessed that I was able to do both Power of Choice and Power of 90.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me and encouraged me this whole time.  I couldn't have done it without you or without the Lord.  I am so blessed.

Love you all!

Nano this Year

How did Nano go this year?

This year I won.  Some will say I won by cheating.  Some say I didn't write a novel- I didn't.

But what I learned this year was something I needed to learn.

1-Sometimes writing is not easy.
        I normally get ideas and the words just flow or I can write for hours on end.  This year it didn't turn out that way.  All the ideas I had weren't ready to be written.  But I wrote anyways.  I wrote what was in my heart, what was in my mind and on my thoughts.  When I was awake and when I was half asleep.

2- Keep on writing regardless
        I learned that I need to keep on writing regardless of if it is easy or not.  I consider myself to be a writer.  Writers write.  End of story.

3- Try and stay on track when writing
       I didn't try and work on the story ideas until later.  I let me mind ramble and other ideas come.  It was then harder to go back to the stories - I started three novels this year.  I should have stuck with one idea and worked it and asked questions until I could think of no more, before starting a new idea.  The other two ideas got stuck like the first.
       My characters kept on asking questions that had nothing to do with the plot. I threw things at them and they didn't seem to notice.  They want those questions answered.  I need to find the answers so I can write there stories.

4- Writing down my thoughts was helpful
       It opened my eyes to a new thought, that I had been struggling with.  This was good in a way, but it was also bad, because it then made me sad.

I can't wait for Nano next year.  I will have these ideas ready to go and hopefully they will be written and I will have other stories to tell.

My friends blog.... Go check it out!!

Mystie Muun's Quill: When did I begin writing?That was so long ago that...: When did I begin writing? That was so long ago that the first instance is long forgotten. I can tell you that the first times were when ...

A New Update....

I know I haven't posted for a long long time.  I have been pretty busy.  It has been busy in a good way.

I take care of a girl who has a severe disability.  I love my job.  I love going to work.  We are soon heading for North Carolina!  I say we, the family is going to a family reunion there, and I am going with them!

School is going good.  I have two more years.  The reason why it is still two years away, is my program is set up into blocks and that is just how it goes, so only two classes for the rest of the program.

I recently moved and it went really well. The cats are finally adjusting to the move.  I like the new place.  I am back to living by myself and it is harder then I thought it would be.

As for my writing, I have a new idea that has come to me.  Plus I am still editing the last manuscript that I have finished.

I have entered many giveaways on goodreads and have won 15 books, either in paperback or in hardcover!

I am excited I am an aunt.  My neice Elsie, is doing well after being born so early.  My older sister is pregnant again with her 8th!!  I am so excited.

I want to go to Serbia, but I need two things first!  Hopefully it will happen one day.

All in all life is going great.