My Infertility Story

This post has been a long time coming. It is not an easy thing to write about, no matter how open I am if asked questions.  It wears me down, and leaves me a mess.  I am not going to mention names in this post with the exception of my husband and myself.  Remember there are two sides to every story.

So a little over six years ago, I met my husband. We hung out for three years before we even decided to date.  We had our group of friends. Life was wonderful.  I had always wanted to be a wife and a mother and now my dream would finally come true. I was ecstatic.  The wedding was all that I could have hoped for. I had my friends and all my family was there.

We were lucky that I got pregnant right away on the honeymoon, since we are an older couple. I took a pregnancy test, I bought a speacilty one, that said I was about 2 weeks pregnant!  We knew that the Dr. would want to check on the baby around 7 or 8 weeks.  So I really didn't call the dr. until weeks 6. We excitedly went in to the Drs.  where they took a urine sample and did a wellness check on me.  They confirmed that I was pregnant!  Well I started spotting, which can be normal.  Though the more I seemed to do, the heavier I would bleed. I called to get checked out because I was concerned.  They did another urine test, and then we were told we WEREN'T pregnant.  Then a few days later, they called back to say we were.

This went on for several weeks.  One week we were pregnant, then the next week we weren't.  All I knew was that I was nauseated and always tired, and my boobs hurt. We switched Drs. This Dr. did a vaginal ultrasound.  He exclaimed that I had twins, though I had already lost the smaller twin, since there was only a sac,  then without taking a breath, he asked if we had been tested for STDS and that I had a 99.99% chance of miscarrying - though there were no heartbeats.  To get hit with such information in such a short time frame. My mind was racing, twins, STDS and miscarriage?

The next day, I went to work like normal, bleeding heavier then normal, but still hoping and praying for the best.  I was hit with such a cramp, I couldn't stand up.  I ended up going home early.  They offered to drive me home. I said no.  I really wish I would have taken them up.  I barely made it home.  I called to find a ride to the hospital, the pain was so severe, I could barely breathe. Luckily I had a friend that lived  a few minutes away.

James was at work. I texted him, he met me at the hospital.  He was very lucky, driving home from work, he worked about an hour away, and he sped all the way to the hospital.  He was not pulled over for speeding and he arrived safe and sound. Sitting in the wheelchair, I had blankets around me, I was passing out every few moments, and was shivering.  They finally got us into a a room that had a bed with the stirrups in it.  The nurses came to put in the IV and give me meds to help with the nausea and the pain.  The nurse dropped a gauze that had blood in it, and ended up rolling it around the whole room.

They finally got the pain under control, and checked me out.  I had miscarried the larger twin, they believe I lost the smaller one a few days earlier.  They gave me pain meds and sent me home. By the time we got home it was close to 3 or 4 in the morning.  I called in sick to work for a few days to recuperate.   I went into see the Dr. again, his response to me going in, was I could have just taken a pregnancy test to see if I needed a D&C without going into see him.  We switched Drs, soon after.

My friends that were so happy that we were pregnant, didn't know what to say to us about the miscarriage.  I don't blame them, it is a tricky situation and you don't want to cause more harm. But after this, they never really did talk to me again. We had lost almost all the friends we had.  Luckily I have a very supportive family and a wonderful husband to pull me through.


A few months later, I again was pregnant.  We hoped this one would be okay.  I miscarried again.  The next several miscarriages all happened at home.  They all happened around 8 weeks.  It was devastating, going into see if we could see the heartbeat, and then realizing that I would again lose this baby as well.

Honestly, we really only told a few people of the others.  It got hard, some of the things that I would hear.

"Its for the best" "They would have had severe problems"  "Its not the right time." The words hurt, though I know they were said with love and support.

The thing with miscarriages, it happens silently.  Most people don't talk about it. I understand why. Its hard, its very personal.  it hurts.  Boy does it hurt, and it seems to be a taboo subject.  One that shouldn't be talked about... I think it should be.

Our first anniversary was spent at home, while I miscarried again. I went numb.

So we stopped trying for a while.  I was debating if I should just get all my lady bits removed and be done with it.  James knows me well, and how I would kick myself later at the what ifs.  About 5 months ago, we decided to go into testing.

Now that we decided to do testing... EVERYTHING has to be done around the cycle.  No just calling in and going to see the Dr when you have time... its VERY frustrating.

The first test was blood tests.  The second test was to see the lining of the uterus and to see how many egg  sacks were there.  Luckily all the tests came back great.

So the next test was to see the shape of my uterus. They gave me a Valium then they inserted dye.  While taking xrays of the way my fallopian tubes and the outline of my uterus looks.  It looked like my uterus was in the shape of a V.  We had found the problem!
Now came the waiting to see what would happen. My Dr was on vacation.  The waiting was unbearable, not knowing if it could be fixed, not knowing what the next step was. At the time of this test, we still hadn't heard back about ANY of the tests, so I was a bundle of raw nerves and tears.

Finally the Dr came home from his vacation. I had already made an appointment, and found out that he wanted to do one more test.  A saline sonnogram, basically they fill my uterus up with saline and look at it fully inflated.

It turns out that my uterus is in the shape of a heart. It turns out that it can be fixed with a small surgery.  They will put me under and shock my uterus into releasing its shape to go to its normal state.  This is what they think has caused all the miscarriages they are going to the point of the heart and not getting enough blood.

To be honest I feel betrayed by my body.  My body who should do this naturally is not wanting to do it.  It hurts and it sucks.

With news of the surgery and with my bad knees. I have gotten comments like this:

"But you're old" Yes, I know how old I am - I know the risks.  We have talked about it with the Dr's too.

"If you can't get down on the ground, how can you take care of a baby?"  Yes it takes me a longer time to get down and get back up but I can do it, I just don't do it like you and my knee doesn't like certain positions to be in.

"You both move slower, and children are fast"   we know we are not the young whippersnappers we once were, we will make it work.

I know these comments are not meant to hurt.  But at this point, it is hurtful, we have already gone through so much already.

The surgery is set for May 11th. We have decided not to go with IVF, my problem is on carrying them not really on getting pregnant, though I don't ovulate as often as I should, there is a med for that. If I can get pregnant normally, and still can't carry it, then what is the point of IVF?  All IVF does is get you pregnant, it doesn't keep you pregnant.

Like I said, this is my story on infertility. Every story is different, and every story has more then one side.  This is just my version and feelings of things and doesn't really reflect how my wonderful and supportive husband James feels.  Though I know it has been hard on him as well.

Power of Choice and Power of 90

WOW!  So much has happened.  My life is so different then it has been.  I have been truly blessed.

In March I had the opportunity to go to Power of Choice.  This is a 3 day conference to help you think in a different way.  In the three days, I was more confident.  My friends could tell.  I was happier.  The next class is Power of 90.

Power of 90 is a 3 month class, you meet once a week for two hours.  It is said to be Power of Choice on steroids.  I so totally agree with that statement.   Power of 90 is about setting and achieving goals while using the Choice Process to help get rid of negative beliefs replace them with positive beliefs and overcoming pitfalls.

I was lucky to set three goals.  My main goal was to become more real and authentic.  To me this means someone who knows who they are, and someone who stands up for who and what they are.  They do fun and crazy things and they follow their passions.

My crazy outlandish goal for this was to bungee jump.  Well, situation arose where I was not able to go bungee jumping, with weight restrictions and needing 5 other people to jump.  The loss of money if I couldn't do it in the time period.

The people at Outlook who put on the Power of Choice and 90 have a saying.  WAW?  Or Whats Another Way?

I had the opportunity to go to CLAS Ropes Course in Provo.  I was able to climb a 30 ft. pole and jump off.  I was able to change that to my new goal instead of bungee jumping.

The third goal was to delete edit my whole manuscript I have been working on, then start to rewrite scenes.  Well I was able to accomplish this as well.  ALL within 90 days.  It was amazing.

I accomplished all three goals.  I know who I am.  I am a daughter of God.  I know what I am supposed to be doing.  I LOVE myself.  This is huge.  I am a totally different person.  I am closer to having my 4th draft done, then I am sending it to a friend to be read/critiqued/edited!

I am so happy and blessed that I was able to do both Power of Choice and Power of 90.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me and encouraged me this whole time.  I couldn't have done it without you or without the Lord.  I am so blessed.

Love you all!

Nano this Year

How did Nano go this year?

This year I won.  Some will say I won by cheating.  Some say I didn't write a novel- I didn't.

But what I learned this year was something I needed to learn.

1-Sometimes writing is not easy.
        I normally get ideas and the words just flow or I can write for hours on end.  This year it didn't turn out that way.  All the ideas I had weren't ready to be written.  But I wrote anyways.  I wrote what was in my heart, what was in my mind and on my thoughts.  When I was awake and when I was half asleep.

2- Keep on writing regardless
        I learned that I need to keep on writing regardless of if it is easy or not.  I consider myself to be a writer.  Writers write.  End of story.

3- Try and stay on track when writing
       I didn't try and work on the story ideas until later.  I let me mind ramble and other ideas come.  It was then harder to go back to the stories - I started three novels this year.  I should have stuck with one idea and worked it and asked questions until I could think of no more, before starting a new idea.  The other two ideas got stuck like the first.
       My characters kept on asking questions that had nothing to do with the plot. I threw things at them and they didn't seem to notice.  They want those questions answered.  I need to find the answers so I can write there stories.

4- Writing down my thoughts was helpful
       It opened my eyes to a new thought, that I had been struggling with.  This was good in a way, but it was also bad, because it then made me sad.

I can't wait for Nano next year.  I will have these ideas ready to go and hopefully they will be written and I will have other stories to tell.

My friends blog.... Go check it out!!

Mystie Muun's Quill: When did I begin writing?That was so long ago that...: When did I begin writing? That was so long ago that the first instance is long forgotten. I can tell you that the first times were when ...

A New Update....

I know I haven't posted for a long long time.  I have been pretty busy.  It has been busy in a good way.

I take care of a girl who has a severe disability.  I love my job.  I love going to work.  We are soon heading for North Carolina!  I say we, the family is going to a family reunion there, and I am going with them!

School is going good.  I have two more years.  The reason why it is still two years away, is my program is set up into blocks and that is just how it goes, so only two classes for the rest of the program.

I recently moved and it went really well. The cats are finally adjusting to the move.  I like the new place.  I am back to living by myself and it is harder then I thought it would be.

As for my writing, I have a new idea that has come to me.  Plus I am still editing the last manuscript that I have finished.

I have entered many giveaways on goodreads and have won 15 books, either in paperback or in hardcover!

I am excited I am an aunt.  My neice Elsie, is doing well after being born so early.  My older sister is pregnant again with her 8th!!  I am so excited.

I want to go to Serbia, but I need two things first!  Hopefully it will happen one day.

All in all life is going great.

Update

It has been a while since I have posted.  So I thought I would update the world with my life.  =-)

I have been very very busy.  School this semester has been crazy busy.  I have been a  sub at various schools. I have taught Special Ed. reading for 7 and 8th graders as well as 1st, 2nd, 5th and 6th.  I have also taught Math for the 1st, 2nd, 5th and 6th grades.  I taught in general education 2nd grade class and tomorrow I will teach general education 1st grade.

I am getting ready to move again.  I seem to do this every semester or so.  I am sick of it.  Hopefully this next move will be it until I graduate from school and go find my job.

The only writing that I have been doing has been papers and lesson plans.  Though thanks to James, the first draft of my manuscript is well into the first round of revisions.  I am very grateful for his help and the many many hours that he has put into it.

James invited me to go to a model train show.  It was fascinating. I now want to own a miniature model train set with all the toys and whistles.

I am addicted to Mt. Dew.  I haven't had any since Tuesday of last week.  I want a Mt. Dew.

Life is very very good, very very busy, and somewhat of a trail for me at this point.  But my head is held up, I can do anything with the Lords help.

Been Kinda Crazy

I know I haven't posted like I wanted too.  But life has been kinda crazy.  Looking for work, trying to keep my head above water with homework.  Would rather be writing, then doing anything else, except for sleep.

I have had a rough couple of weeks.  So everything, I mean everything, has fallen to the side.  I need to get my house back into a livable condition since it is a disaster.  Tripping over things to turn off the alarm clock would not be good if I ended up hitting my head against the corner of the desk.

But life will get better, I just don't know when.  Hopefully sooner rather then later.

In better news, I went to the release party of Oliva, written by my friend Julie Wright.  It is in an 8 book series, written by 3 other authors besides Julie, Josi S.Kilpack, Heather Brown Moore and Annette Luthy Lyon.  I am looking forward to reading them all.

Being at the release party, people asked me what I was writing.  I gave them a brief synopsis of my manuscript and they all seemed excited about it.  Authors and readers alike.  That was very encouraging.  Something that was good for me to hear.

I am really interested in writing horror for the younger audience, which Julie knows, she was surprised because this manuscript is historical fiction and not horror or even something close.  But I feel it is important to try and write in each genre so that I can learn and grow as an author.

One thing that I have learned writing this manuscript is that I love history so much that I would get sidetracked by my research and ended up at point J when I should have stopped at point C.  So I don't think writing historical fiction would be a good fit for me.

LTUE

This past week I went to LTUE, a writers conference that was held at UVU.  I learned so much, and I had such an enjoyable time.  It has motivated me again to jump in head first.

As of my goals from last week.  I did finish one homework assignment.  I did survive.

I didn't finish a scene.  But then I was learning about things that I know I need to improve on.

The one homework assignment I thought I did right was done wrong.  So I need to finish that, along with everything other homework assignment I have too do.

Goals for this coming week:

Work out a time to sub with the teacher I need to do the math practicum with.
Write at least one scene, if not more.
Finish homework, get caught up in homework.
Start to edit, my friends manuscript that I said I would.

So far.....

I am surviving,

Haven't finished all homework.  Have two more two do. Only one will get done.

I still have yet to work on a scene.  BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!!

I have had two job interviews.  One yesterday, and one today!!

This Weeks Goals

First survive the week.

Second, get caught up on homework before I leave for LTUE.

Third, I am now including homework with my writing.  I am adding, to work on at least two scenes in a week.  I think I can manage that.  Hopefully I can.

Also get teaching jobs subbing.

Dreams, broken quills, and me

My friend Jayrod, posted on his blog. http://the1stog.blogspot.com/ He asked for us to tell him about our hopes and dreams.  Well my comment was turning into a novel, and something that I thought I should share on my blog instead. So what are my dreams?  What do I really want out of my life?

At the moment my dream  is to find a job, to find a place to live that will accept my two cats and something that I can afford.  To actually work on my writing instead of saying I need to work on my writing.  To get out of the funk I am in and to start living my life at the moment.

I recently realized also because of Jayrod's blog, that  I am not sacrificing enough, to obtain my dreams.  I need to stop playing my computer games, and do homework instead and work on my novel.  I know I say I should do it.  But with what has recently happened in my life.  I really don't want to do anything.  But waste away my time, because when I am playing my game, winning the level is all I think about, and my stress leaves for the moment.  Though I do know that it doesn't help me reach my dreams.

Tease me all you want Jayrod.  =-)

But I will do better.  I will work harder to make my life how I know it can be, how it should be, how it needs to be.  I feel I am a grinded up quill at the moment.  I need to feel whole again.

For that I need to start living my life instead of hiding from it.

I need to prioritize my time.

I need to focus on living the life that I have been taught how to live.

I need to organize myself so that I can accomplish the most in each day.  This means not staying up until 2 playing my games, and waking up at 5, instead of sleeping until 12.

I need to complete my homework, the next day, instead of trying to do it in an hour before class.

I need to live by faith and not fear.

I need to look at the bright side of things instead of focusing on the bad.

I need to work on my novel.

I will do this in increments.  I will first start by living in faith and not in fear, and going to bed early, and working on the homework.  I wish I could do this all at once, but I don't have a magic wand.

Thanks Jayrod, for making me think about what I really want out of life, so that I won't be a broken quill anymore, but one that is whole and vibrant.  I am glad I am your friend.

Life, as of today.....

I need to "Think Butterflies" more.  (To find out more about the butterfly comment see the 2/23/2009 post).  Things that I thought were moving in a good direction has not really moved forward but seem to be moving backwards on me.  That being said, life is actually going quite well.  I am moving forward with what needs to be done.  I am still job hunting, which takes a lot of time.

I am having an interview to see if I get into the Masters of Education Program.  I have been debating it, but since I have already paid the fee, I am going to go ahead and move forward with that part of my life.  If I get accepted or not.

School is going well for me.  I am liking the classes that I am in the Special Education Program (Sped) at Weber State University.  I am excited to be actually in the core classes and in the program instead of just taking the classes you need to get into the program.

I think the weather is getting to me.  I have felt more melancholy as of late.  But it has been cold and dreary most days.  Most of the people I talk to are feeling the same.  But soon summer will be here and we will wish it was a little colder.  Don't you think that's interesting?  In the summer we wish it would be about 60, still warm but not that hot, and in the winter we would like it to be about 70 because we want it to be warmer.  So no matter what, we are really not happy with what we have.  Or about having it be 70 degrees year round.  That would be nice.

For my writing goals for this week.  I am still not cutting it.  Though most of the time my mind has been on my manuscript/book.  I just need to focus on doing it, but then I am doing homework mostly.  Which also needs to be done.  I just need to focus more so I can get homework done early, so that I can work on my manuscript/book.

This is the last day of January.  But the next day you can always start new.  It is a new day, one with a clean slate.  Something that everyone always has, and everyone can always start new and look forward to a bright new day.

This is the day to change, never forget that, you can always change, don't wait for tomorrow but start today. Isn't that why we sleep at night?  To start refreshed?

I hope all is well with everyone.  Leave a comment if you would like.  Have a great week!

Writing

I haven't done as much writing as I thought.  But I have plenty of worth while excuses.
They are as follows:
                  homework- if you count this writing I do at least 5 pages or more a week
                  blogging about not writing.  Though if you count this writing, its at least 1 page a week
                  facebook keeping everyone up to date with my daily life.  If you count this, might equal half a page
                  job hunting and job interviews where I don't get the job
                  apply for jobs
                  playing games to keep my mind off of my not having a job

I need to do better.  Though I do think about how to improve my novel every day.  Which according to David Farland is pre-writing.  So I can handle this!!

Life

You never think about death, unless someone you know dies, or you hear about someone dying, whether accidental or not, it doesn't really matter.  I know of three deaths that have occurred in the last week alone.  I know of others that have happened the week or two before.  It really makes you stop and think about life.

My friends uncle died from a courageous fight with cancer.
A dear friend died yesterday.  He was too young.  In his early 30's.
The second was even younger, and also died too young.

But no matter how they died.  They all left a big impression on the people who knew them.  They leave behind heartbroken families, and loved ones.

I hope that when I die, that I will leave people with a sense that I cared about those I met, that I was a good person and that I touched every life in a positive way.

Rest In Peace, Dale, Andy and Micah.  Till we meet again.

This past week

I haven't done writing like I thought. But I am getting used to the continuing homework that is coming, so I have a feeling I have figured this out.

Besides that life in general is being good. Some ups, some downs. I like the ups more better then the downs, but I think we all want to be happy, and not sad. I have had two wonderful weeks. This weekends was great fun. But it ended on a sad note, and I can't explain why.

So for this next week. I will write three pages. 6 including homework.

Here's to a great new week coming.

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

Week Two

I am changing my goal, to write two days a week two pages. This is not including homework. Once the semester gets going I can see if I can increase it.

1st Week of A Round of Words

Ok, maybe this was not the best week to start this. Its been the first week of school and trying to figure out classes. It is only Wednesday, so I can at least do 3 out of 4 days.

A Round of Words in 80 Days

Ok, For my regular followers, I am setting up goals to help my writing, that is what A Round of Words in 80 Days.

For A Round of Words in 80 Days: My goal will be to write 4 days a week, 1000 words a day.

Its 7:22 am

So what do you do this early in the morning, when you can't make noise by doing things to help yourself with cleaning the house?

Well, this is what I do, I pray, I get up and go to the bathroom, then I get back into bed to get warm. This is when the cats decide I should let them outside, which I don't. I get on facebook play my games comment on peoples status', check email, check facebook again and accept all pending invites I am interested in. I start my classes at 9:30. I leave at 9. On Mon. and Wednesdays I have an exercise class, and I shower after that. You might think that is disgusting (I am not really fond of it either actually), but I don't want to shower then wait at the bus stop with wet hair, then go get sweaty and gross.

Workers comp has decided I need to lose at least 50 more pounds before I can have my knee surgery, which will be a partial knee. This will not be a problem except for one class I have that is 3 1/2 hours. On Tuesday nights I have a class that goes from 4:30-7. The class is on the assesment of the bilingual/bi-cultural student. All we do in the class is eat. Most of the other students have been having classes since early morning and go until late, so 3 people a week bring food to eat, lets just say its not healthy: cookies, brownies, chips, rice krispie treats... etc. Only one person has brought fruit. I have signed up for next Tuesday, I am bringing apples and bananas, we have to bring enough to feed at least 15 people.

Nothing else has really been happening, just going to work (I am now getting about 30 hrs a week- instead of 17), and going to school. It seems I never find the time to clean or do laundry. But then such is life, you can only go so long with not doing laundry or the dishes before it overflows into the rest of the house, and run out of glasses, plates, silverware and clean underwear.

Have a great day!

The last few months....

Well since my last post, I have had an interesting time.

I was able to go to a friends wedding, where it was great to see the happiness of the bride and groom. I got to hold a two month old baby and help out in the kitchen. I was very happy to be included in this celebration.

I went to the second opinion who thinks I need a total knee replacement (this is what I have been thinking, but my doctor in Logan, refuses to do it and doesn't even want to do a partial). Hopefully he will let me have a partial. But still waiting on workmans comp decision, but this in nothing new, happened with the third surgery as well. This next one will be my sixth!!!

We had a family reunion in Alpine/Salt Lake/ Lehi. It was great to see all the family who could make it, I wish Anne and her crew could have made it, maybe next year.

I spilled 5 ozs. of water on my laptop, with Spike's help. It is still in the hospital- not Spike, my computer.

I have also lost so much weight none of my clothes fit, I finally had to buy a belt. I hate belts. I hate wearing them, but since all my clothes are at least 3 SIZES too big, I need them. I am still losing weight, which I am grateful and blessed that it is happening.

This next couple of weeks will fly by, I have decided to do a deep and thorough cleaning of the apartment once again. After spraying the bug killer in the bathroom, they are starting to come back. This time I will spray the whole house (which I planned to do the first time), but now I will clean and rearrange the furniture so I can spray the other room.

Then I have my birtday dinner at rodizios, in Trolley Square at 6 pm, Aug. 20th. be there or be square. For those of you who want to come, it will be about $30.00 that should include dinner, drink and tip.

School starts the next week and I will be graduating in Dec. and will throw a graduation party. I have applied for a second bachelors degree so I can take two more classes so if I do decide to go into the Masters program, I will be all ready. I tried to see if they would let me have one more sememster before I graduate, but they said no, because I would be over "professional student credits" and they would charge me double for tuition. So I am had to apply for the second degree, to take 2 classes to keep tuition at a good price.

I hopefully will get the computer back soon, though where I took it for a free computer check thing at Staples last week, they said they would call me on Wednesday (took it in on Tuesday) they didn't call, so I called Thursday, told me they would call me in 2 or 3 hours and still didn't call. So I am going into the store to pick it up and take it somewhere else to be fixed (I think it is just the keyboard that is messed up- can do other things on it with no problems except I can't type at all)

I hope this finds everyone well.